Details On Hardy's TNA Contract
Jeff Hardy actually signed a contract with TNA over a week ago. The terms of the deal have not been disclosed, but TNA officials are asking for roughly...
Here we are, the morning after Wrestlemania 25. I just wish there was a Morning After Pill to take to purge myself of the nearly four-hour abomination that passed as what should have been WWE's biggest spectacle yet.
"Tradition," I said. "I always rent WrestleMania. It's WrestleMania 25! How bad could it be?!"
"Silver anniversary, " I said as I, like a fool, plunked down $54.95. Thankfully, I split that cost with my boyfriend, otherwise, I'd have felt really hosed.
By the end of the night, I felt a lot like little Ralphie in A Christmas Story. Only instead of being gypped with a "crummy commercial" for Ovaltine, I (and every other fan who shelled out beaucoup bucks for this abortion of a PPV) got a crummy commercial for John Cena and Triple H. Son of a bitch!
The point of WrestleMania is to wrap up old storylines and begin something new -- which is the exact opposite of what WrestleMania 25 ended up doing. Instead, it was like hitting a massive "reset" button that makes both Cena and Triple H champions and has CM Punk holding the Money in the Bank Briefcase yet again.
While I like CM Punk, I would have liked to have seen someone else win Money in the Bank. He had his shot last year and WWE squandered it, making his reign feel more like an interim champion keeping the belt warm for Cena than giving his title matches more of a climactic build and his proper due as champ.
Beyond that, Punk seemed to have been M.I.A. throughout the Money in the Bank match, his most memorable spot being at its end.
The bout itself seemed a little short, probably due to the fact that there were a few bigger guys in it this time around like Kane and Mark Henry who could be easily injured on the ladders or would likely get winded given the breakneck pace of the match.
As brief as MITB was, it managed to squeeze in the gratuitous spot by Finlay's accessory, Hornswoggle. (Speaking of which, what the hell were those jackets that Finlay and 'Swoggle came to the ring wearing? Did they pick them up at an LOD 2000 fire sale?) A nail-biting, "please don't blow a quad" moment was present and accounted for, too, when Kane and Mark Henry climbed the same ladder together.
I was pleasantly surprised, however, by what a great showing Kofi Kingston made in the contest. He, Christian, and Shelton Benjamin yielded some of the most jaw-dropping, "holy shit" moments of the match. The crowd seemed really hot for Christian to win, and while that would have been a great move and a terrific change of pace for the title picture, there's no way Vince would allow Christian a well-deserved title shot until he's properly done his penance for heading to TNA. Again, the fans lose.
From one of the better matches on the card, WrestleMania slowed the momentum with no less than five songs from Kid Rock. Are you kidding me?! Couldn't WWE have gotten someone better and more currently relevant than Kid Rock? (Ditto for Nicole Scherzinger kicking things off with "America the Beautiful." Don'tcha wish WWE picked someone better?)
This was WrestleMania 25, for pete's sake! The last thing wrestling fans wanted to be treated to was hearing Kid Rock dig up and piss on the corpses of Warren Zevon and The Allman Brothers.
An indicator of just how "into" Kid Rock and his nearly 20 minute performance the fans were came with Kid's epic fail of a moment, attempting to get the crowd to finish the line from his "Bawitaba" song, to "get in the pit and try to love someone." Instead of reciting the line from the nearly decade-old song, the crowd responded with utter silence. You could hear crickets chirping. Yeah. Because when I think of a classic song that everybody knows the lyrics to, it's certainly "Bawitaba." FAIL!
Things just got worse when, in lieu of proper introductions for each of the 25 Divas taking part in the Cluster Fu….. I mean, "Battle Royal," the women's division swarmed the ring shaking their collective booties and grinding on Kid Schlock before cramming into the ring before the bell tolled. That was it. So much for touting the appearances of former Divas like Sunny, Molly Holly, and Victoria. While I'm not saying that WWE had to crank everyone's entrance music, at least announcing the competitors' names as they entered the ring would have sufficed.
I've seen more personal introductions at a gang bang than I did for the Diva Battle Royal.
The match itself was disastrous. Even Jerry "The King" Lawler, that famed purveyor of puppies had no clue who was in the ring or doing what. It was painful to endure. Even Mae Young, the guest time keeper looked bored and was probably thinking, "Damn, Moolah and Sherri Martel must be doing 360s right now seeing what's become of women's wrestling."
The end result of the match came when Santino Marella, dressed in drag, toppled Beth Phoenix and Melina over the top rope to win the title of Miss WrestleMania. He then broke out into a hot, spicy dance to celebrate.
While Santino (who billed himself as Santina, Marella's twin sister) is always comedy gold and was hilariously funny in this spot, the Diva Battle Royal just reinforced that WWE now views the Women's Division as a joke.
Thanks, WWE, for squeezing all of the bathroom breaks in early on the show. Oh, wait! Nevermind! Most of the show was a bathroom break!
From burying the Women's Division, WrestleMania 25 took its spin on throwing dirt on the Legends. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat lost to Chris Jericho in the Legends match. Hot Rod (to whom I was grateful for keeping his shirt on. I love me some Roddy Piper, but he was not in fighting shape) and Snuka didn't play much of a role in the match, and were eliminated early on. Steamboat carried the bulk of the match against Jericho. For a 56-year-old guy, the 2009 Hall of Famer looked damn good. Steamboat can still pull off a better arm-drag than most of the current roster.
Still, the Legends lost and Jericho slapped around Ric Flair at the end of the match for good measure before calling out Oscar nominee Mickey Rourke, seated ringside. (I loved how they totally glossed over the fact that Mickey came to the event with Frank Shamrock, a UFC legend and brother of former WWE superstar, Ken Shamrock.)
Rourke entered the ring and looked to be in great shape as he took on Jericho (for about a minute), showing off some of his legitimate boxing skills and basically re-enacting his scene with Sylvester Stallone from Get Carter. Jericho dropped to the canvas while Mickey Rourke and Ric Flair engaged in a touching display of bromance and celebrated briefly in the middle of the ring.
While it was satisfying to see Jericho get trounced by Rourke, the Legends match just felt wrong. It really seemed to diminish the reputations of Piper, Snuka, Steamboat, and even Flair by having them lose to Jericho -- that three (older) wrestlers couldn't beat the young buck. If anything, this just reinforced the message of the film, The Wrestler by proving that professional wrestling feels that its elders are disposable and should be put out to pasture with as little grace and dignity as possible.
I really hope WWE paid Mickey Rourke well for this appearance… At least for having to sit through this PPV.
Right around this time, I was expecting to see the Tag Team Unification match between champions John Morrison and The Miz vs. Carlito and Primo Colon. That wasn't going to happen because the match already went down earlier in the evening.
That's right. While we got 20 minutes of Kid Rock, The Powers That Be did not see fit to have the Tag Team Title match on the card. They couldn't even squeeze it in at that 6:30-7PM slot on the PPV that was devoted to pre-match hype with clips from RAW and Smackdown. Although the belts changed hands with Carlito and Primo winning, you'll just have to wait for the WrestleMania DVD to see the match itself. This just goes to show where Tag Teams rank in the WWE Universe.
Following the Legends' match and the harsh realization that WWE thinks more highly of the Divas than its Tag Teams (which isn't saying much), it was time for brother vs. brother, Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy in an Extreme Rules contest.
It wasn't a bad match, but I expected more. Jeff Hardy came out looking like the love child of King Diamond and The Great Muta. Matt just looked pissed off. The match succeeded in breaking new ground when a ShopVac was introduced into the lexicon of "extreme" weaponry (perhaps a symbolic gesture of WWE admitting that WrestleMania 25 truly did "suck").
The match concluded with Jeff Hardy executing an insane high spot off of a ladder (another recurring theme at WM 25) and landing tailbone first to the canvas. Matt Hardy capitalized, following up with a swing neckbreaker with a chair and pinned his brother for the win.
From there, it was JBL (sporting a serious case of muffin top) and Rey Mysterio in a mercifully brief match. Rey had just enough time to show off his Heath Ledger-themed Joker costume and mask, and receive a swift boot to the face by JBL (who towered over him) before recovering enough to nail JBL with the 619 and pin him for the Intercontinental Championship belt. The match lasted all of 21 seconds. I suppose I should be grateful for that and the fact that JBL announced that he's quitting wrestling. That leaves him to go prance off into the sunset to take care of his bidness in OVW.
Going from the dismal to the sole saving grace of WrestleMania 25, fans finally got their money's worth with the epic pairing of Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker. The Undertaker's fabled WrestleMania win streak was on the line against Mr. WrestleMania himself. The typically grand entrances were made, with HBK descending from the ceiling on a platform, dressed all in white and Undertaker rising up from the floor, enshrouded in a cloud of dark smoke.
The match see-sawed back and forth and was the only legitimate offering of suspense at the PPV. Both Michaels and 'Taker kicked out of one another's finisher. The excellence and daredevilry that fans come to expect from both wrestlers was on full display. At one point, HBK pulled the cameraman in front of him, resulting in 'Taker crash-landing on the unfortunate production assistant and his equipment. It looked pretty painful for all involved and may hint at a new (or at least a return) direction to Shawn Michaels' cocky old-school persona.
Other highlights of the match included a beautiful counter of Undertaker's Tombstone turned into a DDT by Shawn Michaels. The match ended, as predicted, with Undertaker laying out Michaels for the count and preserving his 'Mania streak.
As expected, this match was the showstopper of the night. There was no phoning it in for Michaels or 'Taker and the crowd was very appreciative of what was the lone, bright spot of WrestleMania 25.
It was all downhill from there with the Triple Threat match for the World Championship Title. Current Champion Edge and opponent Big Show made their entrances first with little fanfare. On the flipside, John Cena was afforded a grand entrance of roughly 100 John Cena clones coming out to his old "Word Life/Basic Thuganomics" theme and prompting an inner-monologue of "Will the real John Cena please stand up / Please stand up / Please stand up."
Just when I thought Slim Cena's grating, blaring "My Time Is Now" theme had been banished to the outer recesses of the wrestling cesspool along with such awesomely bad gems as Ernest "The Cat" Miller's "Somebody Call My Momma" and William Regal's "Real Man" theme, WWE pulls a whammy and blasts Houston (and the world… because they still operate under the delusion that "the world is watching!") with the horn-infused theme we've all learned to cringe at.
As if Cena's overblown intro and him entering last wasn't enough of a portent that he would defeat both competitors (Remember, kids: He who has the most pyro usually wins.), the rest of the match served to reinforce that Superman ain't got shit on John Cena. In a groan-worthy spot at the end of the match, John Cena picked up both Edge and The Big Show on his back (although Show was still anchored to the ropes and had a hand down Cena's pants to make an assist on this feat of strength), before slamming them to the canvas and pinning Big Show for the title win.
Title belt in hand, Cena then proceeded to turn water into wine before walking on it, cure cancer, and declare world peace.
After the Cena celebration, in what seemed like an afterthought, the Class of 2009 Hall of Fame was honored. Ricky Steamboat, Bill Watts, Terry Funk and Dory Funk, Jr., Koko B. Ware, Kevin VonErich (representing his family), Howard Finkel, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin all made their way unescorted to the stage as a group, without individual entrances.
The introductions came as the camera panned to each new member of the Hall of Fame. I couldn't tell who was announcing, but it was painfully obvious that it was not the legendary Finkel, with the announcer mangling each 'Famer's name. Perhaps the biggest bungle was referring to "The Birdman" Koko B. Ware as "The Bird" or referring to him as what almost sounded like "Kanye B.West." I actually jumped from my couch in a furor at this. (Shut up! Koko B. Ware was one of my favorites when I was a kid!) These guys deserve a lot more respect than the half-assed treatment they got.
The Hall of Fame 2009 segment redeemed itself with Stone Cold exiting the stage, ripping off his formalwear and riding to the ring on a tricked out ATV -- with beer holders!! For the first time that night, I actually smiled seeing Austin field beers in the ring and soak in the crowd's cheers. It made me remember that once upon a time, wrestling was a lot of fun to watch and really gave the fans something to cheer about.
After Austin's segment, the final match of the night was the highly anti-climactic bout between Triple H and Randy Orton for the WWE Championship. There's not much to say about this match other than that the crowd seemed to be drained by the end of the night and it was laborious to watch. As Triple H stood victorious in the ring with his belt over Orton's prone body and his pyro went off, I was at least expecting a run-in from Legacy or a celebratory ring-rush by his in-laws. Nope. For a closer on WrestleMania 25, it was about as mundane as you could possibly get.
As the closing montage of WrestleMania 25's "highlights" (and, with the exception of HBK/'Taker, I use that term loosely) rolled, I looked behind me to see if there was a husk of corn hanging out of my ass because I felt really violated. With the state of the economy the way it is, WWE had the balls to charge $54.95 for THIS?! Sure, a lot of people probably did what I did and had friends and family kick in to cover the cost, but you would expect something big at a 25th Anniversary. Instead, fans got corn-holed with what could be the worst WrestleMania in recent memory, if not all time.
At best, WrestleMania 25 was a glorified episode of RAW. At worst, it was a four-hour enema. I had seen more thought and planning put into an episode of Teletubbies than this drek. Last year's 'Mania was far superior, even though (with the exception of Ric Flair's grand send-off) it wasn't one of the all-time best.
Never again. I really debated with myself over whether or not to rent the PPV, but eventually buckled because of tradition. The card didn't look very exciting, but I expected that maybe it would be better in action than on paper. Wrong! As my fellow columnist, Phantom Lord had noted in his most recent column, it's been almost a chore to get excited about any of the programming WWE (and TNA) has to offer lately. Even something that should be as monumental as WrestleMania comes up woefully short.
Next year, unless WWE drops their prices dramatically (and I doubt they will), there is no way they will entice me to shell out a good chunk of change for crap. If it looks like crap and smells like crap… It probably is crap. Too bad it took me until now to figure that out.
But let's not despair! There are a few lessons we all learned from WrestleMania 25. Let's recap them, shall we?:
1. Tag Teams don't count for squat, nor do they merit a televised spot on a PPV… Not even if it involves the unification of a title.
2. Women's wrestling is a joke and should be treated as such by having a man in drag beat 25 women.
3. Legends are disposable and should be put out to pasture with as little grace and dignity as possible. Thanks for proving the plot of The Wrestler right, WWE!
4. JBL has muffin top.
5. You can always count on Shawn Michaels and Undertaker to put on the best performances of the night.
6. John Cena is like, the strongest, bestest wrestler EVAR and completely undefeatable. (Except at the box office.)
7. If you marry the boss's daughter, you can always be assured of the highest reward eventually finding its way back to you, time and time again.
8. Originality is dead. Ditto for surprises.
Thanks again to everyone who joined me on Twitter last night for live coverage and snark of WrestleMania 25. You guys all made an unbearable PPV a lot more fun and a lot more tolerable! Cheers!
