Talk ‘N Shop A Mania Recap: Holy Balls This Is The Worst PPV In Wrestling History [NSFW]

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Editor’s Note: Keeping in the spirit of the show itself – which now that I have watched in its entirety can confidently say is the single worst atrocity ever produced by professional wrestlers – I have decided not to censor any of the dialogue used in this recap. If you’re easily offended by cursing, either don’t be a little b***h or remove yourself from this article immediately. Seriously, that’s the only one I’m censoring. 

Talk ‘N Shop A Mania Recap
August 1, 2020

— Karl Anderson, Luke Gallows and Rocky Romero start the show live on video chat, explaining the insanity and chaos that went into creating this travesty. Their advice – put the kids to bed, and whoever you are, whatever you’re into, 100% make sure you get yourself inebriated before you watch this PPV. “Crack a beer, take off your pants, and watch the worst pay-per-view ever.”

— The first 30 seconds of the PPV is Karl Anderson “perving on his hot Asian wife” while she is hoola hooping in the backyard.

— The trio arrive at a house and walk to the backyard, where they have a ring set up. There’s even an entrance curtain to walk through, just standing there by itself in the middle of a big open area. Anderson, Gallows and Romero intro the show for… I believe a third time now, and are going to do commentary for their own show.

— Teddy Long is here, dropping f-bombs and calling people bitches. Thank god.

— A video package aired hyping the Boner Yard Match between Sex Furguson (Gallows), who is now doing an Undertaker gimmick in a sailor hat, and Chad 2 Badd.

SOCIAL DISTANCING BATTLE ROYAL

There’s about a dozen people in the ring, all wearing masks. I recognize Brian Pillman Jr. and Jake “Man Scout” Manning, who brought out… Freight Train. Holy god, they got Freight Train. A bunch of people who didn’t get entrances or even names get tossed after some absolutely awful brawling, where almost nothing connected. A guy eliminates himself by jumping off the top rope to the outside, taking out everyone.

Chavo Guerrero is now on commentary. A fake Sting, who is definitely not Heath Slater, comes out with a Solo cup in his hand and points a bat at the ring… then leaves. Mike Bennett randomly runs out, and gets tossed out. Former NJPW star and Talk ‘n Shop editor Alex Kozlov entered the match. So is this a Battle Royal or a Royal Rumble?

It eventually came down to Freight Train, Pillman and Kozlov, until Kozlov’s bearded mother shows up and works with Pillman to eliminate the others. Chico El Luchador (Rocky Romero) runs out, throws out the bearded mom, and wins the Talk ‘n Shop A Mania 24/7 Championship. I guess. Because that was on the line this entire time, apparently.

— Maria Kanellis is shown shaking her ass like one of the Nitro Girls. They then pan to a very large woman in even less clothing, doing the same thing. Anderson: “I’d fuck Mike if it got me to Maria.”

UNFORTUNATELY CONTINUED ON THE NEXT PAGE >>

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